mom with teen daughter
From the terrible twos to the teen years, parents have lamented the difficulties associated with these specific seasons in their child’s development. While these seasons certainly have their own challenges, they also reflect a time of growth. Teenagers experience many changes during the transitional period in their lives leading to adulthood. This growth period can be stressful and confusing for teens and parents alike. Establishing clear lines of communication is vitally important for parents to stay involved in their teen’s life. Although many parents want to be involved in their teen’s life, they don’t know where to start. Youth Pastor Scott George, of Golden Gate Assembly of God, has a passion for helping teens and some excellent advice for parents on where to start. Both he and his wife, Chrisanne, are dedicating their time to helping teens through this season. Pastor Scott shares some valuable insight that can help parents navigate their way through it as well.
A key element toward navigating successfully through these years is to have a strong relationship built on a solid foundation of communication. The seemingly fast pace of life today can make it difficult for parents to connect with their teen on a deeper level. Surrounded by the internet, iPod, cable, movies, school activities, jobs and friends, parents might wonder whether they still hold an important place of influence in the life of their teenager. While mainstream media often conveys the message that teens are independent and free to make their own choices, Pastor Scott says that message is inaccurate and causes him concern. According to Scott, teens need a parent in their life to talk with them, guide them and help them make right choices. That parent/teen connection is essential especially during the teenage years when youth are surrounded by so many negative influences.
The combination of a demanding schedule and many other pressures oftentimes leads teens to turn to negative influences to relieve the stress they feel in their lives. Pastor Scott acknowledges that despite drug awareness being high, teens are turning to drugs to find a release from their anxieties. He says, “Most of the time drug use is an outlet to some deeper issues, so build a bridge and make sure that you have an open talking relationship with your kids.” He also says, “Honesty, communication and showing your teen that you have a desire to have a relationship with them can go a long way in helping them with life issues like dealing with drugs and teenage sex.” He gives some practical advice of steps parents can take to build that bridge of communication and establish a solid relationship with their teen.
Spending quality time together is essential to the health of the parent/teen relationship. Despite the busy schedules of both teens and parents, Pastor Scott directs parents to make the time to spend with their child. Parents can start by getting interested in what interests their teen. If parents are unsure what their kids are interested in, they can start by simply asking them. While this might mean parents may have to learn a new video game or sport, Scott says that teenagers enjoy the opportunity to teach an adult. It helps to establish a good connection as well as giving them a sense of maturity. He says that he uses these common points of interest to build relationships and connect with the teens he ministers to every week.
He encourages parents to take some one on one time with their teen, though it may seem awkward at first. It can be as simple as “enjoying a good, old fashioned day out.” Parents and teens should try to find an activity that both can enjoy doing together. The emphasis doesn’t have to be on the activity, rather it should be on the time spent together. “Make time to spend with them, talk to them, hang out with them. Let them know that they are YOUR child, that you love them and that they are the most important thing in your life,” remarks Scott. Parents should be prepared for some resistance in the beginning but patient throughout the process. Although it may take some time, teens should eventually come to realize that their parent genuinely wants to know them in a more personal way. That, in turn, may cause them to open up to their parent on a deeper level than before.
Another valuable effort worth taking is to create a teenage friendly home. There are many things parents can do to make their home a place where teens and their friends feel welcome. Providing snacks, soda and a listening ear will go a long way in helping teens feel comfortable. Parents can try to be understanding if there is a little more noise and untidiness associated with having teens in their home. Being able to know the whereabouts of their teen, who they are hanging out with and what they are doing is worth the exchange for a little less quiet. If there is space available, set up a game room for teens to have friends over and unwind. Having a teenage friendly home will give parents an opportunity to get to know their teenager’s friends and to be able to relate to their world.
While strengthening the parent/teen connection is certainly important, there is a fine line between being a parent and being a buddy. Scott says that too many parents try to be a buddy to their teenager. He says that while teens have plenty of friends, it’s a parent they need and not another friend. According to Pastor Scott, “…don’t be afraid to be a parent, even though you might get the dreaded ‘I hate you’ line. Remember it is your responsibility and mandate as a parent to protect them. But as always, make sure you listen as well. Hear what they are saying, communicate where you are coming from. But sometimes you have to be firm and have to deal out the consequences.,”
Pastor Scott knows firsthand the difference parents can make in the lives of their teens. When asked about his own teen years, he credits his parents for the role they played during that phase of his life. According to Scott, “I think what I remember most about my teen years is how constant my mother was in my life. I had a great relationship with my mom…no matter what, I always knew she was there for me.” He says that his mother helped him to build a strong foundation of faith during his upbringing that helped him avoid many pitfalls common to teenagers like premarital sex, drugs and alcohol. He gives tribute to his father for teaching him his morals, how to be a man and how to take responsibility. “But the thing that impressed me most about my father was his ability to keep it straight with me. He didn’t pull punches, he just gave me the truth and talked to me straight,” comments Scott. According to Pastor Scott, the heritage left by both his mother and father during the teenage years enabled him to focus on his future and helped form who he is today. Understanding the influential place a parent holds in the life of their teen should prompt parents to use that window of opportunity to positively impact their child and leave a lasting legacy.