parents and kids college
For years, we parents focus all of our time, energy, and resources on raising our children. How do we confront the quiet house we come home to after dropping off that last (or only) kid at college?
None of us sets out on the journey of parenthood with the intention of creating lives that revolve around our children. And yet, in the midst of high school band, travel soccer, competitive dance, volunteer hours, incomprehensible homework, group projects, and graduation requirements, it somehow happens. When all of those activities disappear from our planners, with what are we left? How do marriages, relationships, careers, and weekends adapt?
For some, an empty nest might seem daunting and lonely. However, a recent article published by The Huffington Post cites a recent survey of adults ages 40-70 where 95% of survey participants are excited about the additional time afforded by an empty nest. And 68% would rather lend financial help to their children than allow them to move back in. Many of us are excited about the freedom afforded by a house finally – and officially – devoid of dependents.
Dating again
For Jeff Turner of Estero, father of three grown children, the empty nest has represented an exciting new chapter of married life. “While my wife, Anna, and I both experienced feelings of loss and sadness as each of our three children left home, the void was softened by the new possibilities we found in our relationship. We are dating again! It’s just like 38 years ago, except now we can actually afford to go to dinner and a movie.”
Time that Jeff and Anna previously spent at sporting events, school meetings, and other kid-related activities is “now time dedicated to running a business, working out together, joining a boat club, taking long walks on the beaches, or going to dinner. Empty nesting has rekindled our commitment to one another.”
Emptying a big nest
Though the transition was emotional for Sharon Carnell, a Naples mom of nine children ages 18 through 36, she has enjoyed many aspects of empty nesting. “I love to travel and spend time with my husband of 39 years, visiting our kids out of town, and having them congregate at our home.”
Sharon’s now-flexible schedule has given her the opportunity to explore new interests such as yoga. “One of the kids will ask what I’m doing for the day, and occasionally I respond with: ‘Whatever I want to do!’ That was never my response when the kids were home. Never!”
Another unexpected blessing of having an empty nest is the freedom to meet needs in the community. “When needs cross my path, I’m able to do my part to meet them,” Sharon said. “For example, a friend of ours needed a home for their daughter this past a year, and we had the space to host her.”
The transition from a household bursting with children to an empty nest has been made easier for Sharon because of how she lives her life. “I wonder if some empty nesters feel lonely or bored or purposeless,” she said. “Even when all nine were home, I developed my own interests. Having kids underfoot was a major part of my life, but not my whole life. That said, they are a treasure to me and staying in touch with the kids is important. Our family shares thoughts and pictures and events on a group chat.”
Though there have been challenges, Sharon views this new chapter of her life as an adventure. “I’m only 61 years old, so I potentially have a good 40 years ahead of me! My kids are in the midst of new adventures, and I am, too.”
Preparing your kids
Karen and David Wilkinson of Naples have two sons: JT, a senior at Ithaca College in New York, and Isaac, a sophomore at University of Florida (UF). After they dropped Isaac off at UF last year, Karen and David immediately took advantage of their child-free status. “We went on an empty
Wilkinson Family 1
The changes that empty nest life has brought for the Wilkinsons are both positive and negative. “David has a very demanding schedule, and in some ways, he was relieved,” Karen said. “He often felt sad about missing school activities and sporting events. But, he has also missed the boys more than he expected he would. He spends more time on the phone with them than I do and is beyond excited when they come home. I miss my kitchen helpers and dinner companions, and I have had to learn better time management. With too much time, I am often less productive.”
Karen’s advice for other parents is to prepare their kids and themselves well in advance for this major life change.
“As married couples, we have all been advised not to neglect our spouses throughout the journey of parenthood,” Karen said. “David and I have not been perfect with this advice, but we have put
Wilkinson Family 2
in the work to make each other a priority so that we do continue to enjoy spending time together now that our kids are in college.” She also advised parents to prepare their children for success outside of the home. “Allow your kids to manage their time with jobs, sports, homework, social time, and chores. I am glad we taught our boys to do laundry, cook for themselves, and hold down jobs so that they were not at a loss on their own.”
Bittersweet
Jennifer Deiros of Naples also prioritized preparing her son, Eric, to live independently. “I made sure to teach Eric life skills that would allow him to learn how to live well with others – waiting, sharing, giving, and listening,” she said.
When Jennifer dropped her only child off for his freshman year at college in the fall of 2018, her nest emptied all at once.
“I think most parents describe this experience as bittersweet,” Jennifer said. “And I definitely had the big, ugly cry. It was emotionally challenging to leave him in New York, yet both his dad and I knew he was ready for the next step. And Eric’s first semester was quite a stretch for him, but he rose to the challenge.”
In high school, Eric was always on the go with school and church activities, which meant Jennifer also was always on the go. “I am enjoying this slowed-down pace,” she said. “For example, I’m not rushing from work on a Friday night to arrive at a football game to sell popcorn. The thing I miss most is talking with Eric. Periodic talks on the phone are okay, but they aren’t the same as sitting together.”
Jennifer’s advice to other empty nesters is to concentrate on what your children are experiencing rather than their absence. “As your child moves to the next level – in anything – celebrate what has been accomplished and what is being accomplished,” she said. “I don’t focus on the empty nest; I celebrate what Eric is accomplishing because of the many people who encouraged him, mentored him, and invested in him over the years.”
So whether you’re 10 months or 10 years from an empty nest, take comfort knowing that an empty nest doesn’t have to be scary – it’s an exciting adventure that represents significant accomplishments for both parents and their children.