bruland family
What are the first thoughts that come to your mind when you hear the word step-parent? Thanks to various fairy tales in which step parents are depicted as evil, nasty, and conniving, any adjectives coming to mind may not necessarily be positive. When I interviewed a group of elementary school children who do not have step-parents, the adjectives overwhelmingly were negative. Not surprisingly, however, children who have step-parents made mostly positive comments.
In the past 40 years, as divorce rates have climbed, remarriage rates have also increased, thereby redefining what constitutes a typical family and increasing the number of step-parents in our children’s lives. Chances are, if there isn’t a step-parent in your family, you probably know a family with a step-parent.
My own family has changed significantly in the past five years. During that time, there was a divorce, single parenting, a remarriage, a new step-dad, and a new definition of family in our household. Before even dating my new husband, I remember my children asking in horror if one day they would have a step-father. Their concern was genuine because until then, the only knowledge they‘d had of step-parents were the evil step-mothers depicted in movies. “If you get married again, we’ll have a step-father? Step-parents are meeeeaaan!” Of course, if the step-mothers they see on TV are mean, step-fathers must be too, right? It seemed like a logical conclusion to them. Fast forward to life as it is right now and my boys not only laugh about their initial fear of having a step-dad, they talk about how much they love him and couldn’t imagine their lives without him. It’s enough to make any heart feel warm and fuzzy.
Instant Family
Now, I’ve never been a step-parent, but I am married to one, and we have come to learn that step-parenting can be just as fulfilling and daunting as it is for those with biological kids. Because being a step-dad comes with its own unique challenges, I asked some local step-dads for their take on what it takes to be a good step-father. They provided the following valuable advice and insight:
- Be a dad, but don’t try to be the Dad. At home, do the things that a parent normally would do, such as helping with homework, organizing schedules, talking about their day, being a good listener, etc. Never be negative about their father. Don’t insist on being called “Dad” but it will definitely feel good if they do!
- Back Mom up, but let her take the lead. When it comes to household rules and discipline, it’s important to discuss these issues with their mom (away from the kids) and present a united front. Many step-dads suggest letting Mom take the lead on establishing the household rules for the new family and simply backing Mom up when needed. As a new family member, a step-dad walks a fine line. Over time, as step-dad becomes an established part of the family, everyone’s comfort level will increase and the parent who takes the lead in different situations may change.
- Don’t be a Disney Dad. In other words, don’t try to be seen only as “Mr. Fun Guy”. Kids are very perceptive and easily can tell whether someone is sincere or trying to buy their love with gifts, etc. Is it ok to have fun? Of course! Just don’t overdo it.
- Take one-on-one time with the kids. Whether taking the kids on routine errands or having a special day together, one-on-one time gives step-kids and step-parents alike some valuable time to get to know each other and establish a relationship away from Mom. It gives Mom some much needed alone time too!
- Do family activities. The weekly routine can become commonplace for all of us, so it’s a good ideas for families to spend time together outside of the normal, daily routine. Plan a family movie or Wii night, go to the beach, or take an excursion. Some fun time together is good for everyone.
- Establish a relationship with their father. When the kids see a positive relationship between their father and step-father, it benefits everyone. Of course, every family dynamic is different. Some fathers and step-fathers become friends while others simply keep it civil. Whatever the situation, a little positivity goes a long way.
In addition to offering advice to those in, or entering, a step-parenting situation, all of the step-dads talked about the rewards of being a step-parent. Guess what? They are the same rewards that all parents experience: love, appreciation, amazement, and a feeling of responsibility for their new family.
No matter how one becomes a father, there is no doubt that the responsibility is great and the rewards are many. Happy Father’s Day to all step-fathers. You are loved and appreciated.
Nicole Flesvig Bruland is a mother of two, writer, and education professional. A veteran educator who has lived and studied abroad, she is bringing her passion for world languages and cultures to local kids and adults through Global Kids Learning Adventures and Fleur de Lys Language Academy, of which she is both founder and director. In her free time, Nicole loves to travel with her husband and two sons.