people listening with cans
Finding the perfect card for the right occasion that fits the receiver perfectly can be like finding a diamond in the rough. I recently purchased a card for a friend that I found in a clothing store for older women amongst the jewelry and handbags. The card stand haphazardly placed in the back was a gleaming light of interest for me in a room full of uninteresting items.
I was so happy with my find and excited to send it in the mail. This friend has been an immense help to me recently and the front said “You are amazing.” On the inside I wrote that she is my diamond in the rough and I am so grateful for her. I couldn’t wait for her to receive the card.
However, when I spoke with her and asked if she liked it she said, ‘So you think I’m rough around the edges? I’m not that rough, am I?” As the conversation wore on I realized our definitions of diamond in the rough were completely different. Her definition was that I was saying she was an unpolished rock that had potential, which made me laugh hysterically, and mine was that she was a gem that was discovered … kind of like going to a garage sale and finding an item of immense value.
So who is right? Well I googled ‘what does diamond in the rough mean?’ and, sure enough, according to eNotes.com Homework Help she was right. But I couldn’t stop there. I asked another trusted friend that same question and she explained it exactly the way I meant it (in fact I stole her garage sale example … that’s how she described it to me).
While this is a laughing matter, and just one example of miscommunication, it’s very easy to confuse meaning and create drama in our relationships, if we’re not careful.
Here are three quick tips to create more peaceful conversations and avoid very common communication pitfalls.
1) Clarify. This may seem obvious but often in our rushed day-to-day lives we can easily misinterpret what someone is really saying and become upset. If I wouldn’t have asked, “How did you like the card?” I wouldn’t have known that she could have been offended at my innocent comment. The best way to clarify is to ask questions and rephrase what someone is saying. You can do this by using statements like, “What I hear you saying is …”, “If I understand you correctly …”, or “Did you mean …”. This gives your child, spouse or mother-in-law a chance to either agree with what you said or to clarify even further.
2) Listen. Where communication often takes a nose dive is when we either don’t listen at all or we listen, but only with our own interest in mind. I’m sure you can sense when a topic is starting to heat up. In those moments, slow down, try to take your opinions out of it (even though I’m sure you have your opinions) and listen to his or her perspective with respect and concern. You can’t have productive communication if you are on the defensive. I had to allow my friend to explain what she thought my comment meant, and understand that her point was valid.
3) Surrender. I can give you a very simple litmus test to tell you who is right every time. No one! Effective communication is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is about building a solid foundation for the future, strengthening our connection today, and offering concern and support for those we love. Try to see both sides and understand that neither person is 100% correct. This can be hard when you really think you are right. But if you can let go of this mindset (which is a very egoic way of thinking) you will find so much more peace in every situation. Look for the points of commonality and don’t hold too tightly to your opinion.
When you are committed to peaceful communication and you are willing to take the time to clarify what someone is saying, listen without making the conversation about you and understand that you are not 100% right, you’ll find that peaceful communication is easy and can be a laughing matter.
Practice these three tips and post on facebook.com/uofmoms to tell me how it went. I’m heading out shopping now to find another diamond in the rough. Wish me luck!
April O’Leary is a Life Coach and author of Ride the Wave: Journey to Peaceful Living. She is hosting the first annual Happy Mom Conference Sept. 14-15 at the Hyatt Regency Coconut Point. For more information visit HappyMomConference.com. April lives in Estero with her husband and three daughters.