mother helping art
What would you think of a mother who called her 40-year-old daughter every morning to wake her up for work? What about a mom who allowed her 32-year-old drug-addicted child to return home for the fifth time after many unsuccessful attempts at recovery?
You might say the mom is a giving, generous person who loves her child and doesn’t want him to fail. And this is how we often perceive these types of mothers. Yet while their intentions are noble, their results are less than stellar. Having a 40-year-old child who can’t awaken herself or a 32-year-old who can’t sober up and hold a job are disappointing at best and debilitating at worst for most moms.
Although these are extreme (and true) examples, we can all learn from them. A mother’s unfailing love for her children can be both a blessing and a curse. The love that is meant to help, when a 3-year-old scrapes his knee and needs a bandage or a 13-year-old breaks his heart and needs a listening ear, can cross a fine line into what is called enabling.
But how does a mom know when her love for her child is hurting? On Mother’s Day this year I want explore the boundary between helping your children when they need it versus stunting their growth and sense of responsibility by too much helping.
1) Is my helping age-appropriate for my child? Tying a shoe for a 2-year-old is quite necessary but tying a shoe for a 12-year-old is not, barring physical disabilities. It is not in the action, as much as it is in the assessment of the ability of the child. As a natural progression allow your child to take on age-appropriate tasks and assume age-appropriate responsibilities and consequences. Do not do for your children (or anyone else) what they can and should do for themselves. Instead of getting a thirsty 6-year-old a glass of water, ask her “What would someone do who is thirsty?” and allow her to figure it out. Instead of rearranging your schedule to drive forgotten homework to your child’s school allow him to suffer the consequence.
2) Is what I am doing reasonable? I have heard it said that ‘reasonableness’ is the most important virtue. When was the last time you stepped back and asked yourself if something you were doing for your family or your child was reasonable? Ask yourself questions such as: Is it reasonable that one person in a family of five does all the chores? Is it reasonable that one person pays all the bills? Is it reasonable that the children don’t help with the laundry? These are things you have to determine for yourself that will be unique to your family. If the answer is ‘No, it isn’t reasonable,’ then find ways to modify the current arrangement. Remember just because you have done it once (or many times) doesn’t mean you need to keep doing it.
3) How do I feel in general? If you were sitting in my office, I would have you write a list of all the emotions you regularly feel over the course of a week. Are you feeling inspired, empowered, happy and at peace or are you feeling depleted, frustrated, angry, resentful or just plain tired? Your emotions are a HUGE indicator of where you are. If your emotions are generally negative chances are you have focused too much on the service of others. If this is the case, slow down, reassess your commitments, delegate what is ‘reasonable’ and schedule in more me-time. Remember that to run a car; you have to put gas in it first. Make sure you do the same for you!
The little steps you take today set the stage for tomorrow. Empower your children by showing confidence in their abilities to meet their own needs at varying stages. Reward them with a hug and a high five for chipping in to family responsibilities. Relax and enjoy being a mom because you are not doing it all. You’ll soon find that when you let go of helping too much your child will rise to the occasion and your life will get easier too!
April O’Leary is a life coach, author and mother of three in Bonita Springs. She is the founder of the University of Moms and creator of the Happy Mom Conference a weekend getaway for moms. For more information, visit uofmoms.com and happymomconference.com.