Thanksgiving Family
The first year we were married, my husband and I spent Thanksgiving dinner with friends - just the four of us and an unorthodox dinner of steak. We naively thought it would help us carve a space for our own traditions. Instead it left me feeling like I had missed out.
Now with our three children we keep my family’s tradition of homemade pumpkin doughnuts for breakfast and join extended family for the typical Thanksgiving meal. But we don’t always attend a Thanksgiving parade like other relatives do. Nor do we feel obligated to watch football after dinner. We have finally settled into a version of Thanksgiving that suits us well.
Some family traditions aren’t so easily adapted. But when they begin to chafe from being ill-suited to our current lifestyle or situation, making a switch can become a necessary, if painful process. If you are anticipating a holiday season with customs that have overstayed their welcome, or if this year portends to be an unconventional one, consider these tips for changing things.
Tag-Team It
If one person is responsible for keeping the traditions going, but is overwhelmed, it might be time to enlist help. Evaluate which tradition-making tasks can be passed on. Can you trust an older child to set the table for Thanksgiving dinner? Would the other spouse be willing to take over making the gravy or preparing another dish?
But if you give control of a tradition to someone else, you should also give up your expectations of what it should look like.
Go Radical - This Once
Some years can be harder than others to keep up traditions - whether due to a move, a death in the family, or multiple challenges piling up. In those instances it may be best to forgo some in order to remain sane and healthy.
But it does not mean that will be easy. Traditions can feel sacred. After all, as Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor Grant Stenzel says, “Traditions are harder because we have such emotions tied to them - not just current, but emotions from our childhood.” Those emotions can trip us up by causing us to overburden ourselves when circumstances suggest we need to do something different.
If you must to be radical about dropping one or more customs entirely, take it one year at a time. Reassure everyone you can always bring the tradition back next year. Then consider what benefits you will gain by scaling back.
Select a Substitute
The Brakel family found an inventive way to display their Christmas ornaments when an out of town trip made their tradition of a live tree impractical. Bruce Brakel remembered the displays he had seen of light strings anchored to a flag pole in a conical tree shape. He and his daughters decided to create the same shape out of ribbons anchored to a central point on the living room ceiling and weighted down by bricks covered in wrapping paper, like gifts. Then they hung their ornaments along the strands of ribbon.
“Both the girls like doing crafts, so it turned into everybody participating in a craft. And it was an opportunity for everyone to provide artistic input,” Brakel says.
The change was a positive one. The ribbon tree left more space and fewer needles in their living room than a live tree. And the ornaments were more visible amidst the thin ribbons instead of tree branches. The only thing missing was the scent of evergreen. But since they weren’t home much, the lack was minor.
When it comes down to it, we all need traditions. As Brakel notes, “traditions are important. They provide continuity and family identity.” But Stenzel points out that we need to value the people we share them with even more. And sometimes that means making a change.
LARA KRUPICKA is a parenting journalist and author of Family Bucket Lists: Bring More Fun, Adventure & Camaraderie Into Every Day. As mom to three girls she has found the most memorable holidays were also the least traditional.