This is the latest installment of my fostering journey. Previously I shared about the circumstances surrounding the placement of a newborn baby in our home. This article addresses how I am fielding questions I receive as a new foster parent.
Over the past weeks/months since we received our first permanent placement as a foster family, we have fielded questions, faced challenges, and experienced countless joys. After years of infertility, though, I’m reminding myself constantly to count it all as pure joy. I spent many hours frustrated for various reasons after the birth of my daughter in 2014, and my mind takes me back to those days now that we’re again traveling through the stages of newborn development. I regret my perspective now – if only I’d known it’d be my first and last bio baby, I might have revelled in the sleepless nights, mysterious runny noses, or the fussy witching hours, rather than wishing and worrying those difficult days away. So, I’m approaching this baby a bit differently. And, the situation commands that we hold our baby with open hands – that we walk through each day in enjoyment and love rather than in frustration and worry.
The Questions
We get lots of questions about our baby; I think people of all ages are fascinated by new life. It’s hard to know how to respond to: “Is that baby yours?” Perhaps it’s because our baby looks a bit different from us, or perhaps it’s because I don’t look like I’ve just given birth. For those who know our family, I think they are simply surprised at the baby’s presence.
In becoming a licensed foster family through One More Child, one of our teachers, Laura Wells, trained us on how to answer these types of questions. “Simply say ‘Yes, this is my family!’ when asked potentially awkward and uncomfortable questions like ‘Are all those children yours?’ We’re collectively responsible for vulnerable children, and as foster parents, we are particularly responsible to defend and advocate for the children placed in our homes,” Laura advised during our class. “Responding with a clear and simple statement such as: ‘This child – or these children – joined our family’ is also a great response.” I called Laura this past week to get more insight. “I look at every awkward question as a chance to educate and encourage – to get the word out about foster care and One More Child.” She also shared about a time when someone asked that question of her at a recent event. She had three siblings who joined her family. “Before I could respond, our 9-year-old placement declared: ‘We’re her foster kids.’ He didn’t explain the situation; he said it matter-of-factly. The woman responded by sharing that she couldn’t live with her bio parents and was adopted. It was a sweet moment of connection that we could have approached defensively and didn’t.”
It’s not hard for us to show our baby the same love we would show for our biological children, but we’ve gotten that question too. “ “How can you love a baby that isn’t yours?”” Our response to that question is more nuanced. My first thought is: “This is our baby. We’re appointed, responsible, and fully present each day this child is in our home.” Loving children and seeking their best is our calling. And, when I look into our little one’s eyes, I think a better question is: “How could I not love this baby?”
The Challenges
Age difference.
Our daughter is 10, and we have a newborn. My husband and I are in our 40s. We were years removed from sleep deprivation, baby screams, diaper blowouts, and boiling bottles. The change was abrupt and jarring.
My sister-in-law had a baby when my niece was 10. “The hard part is that by age 10 kids are independent, and you’ve gotten into a comfortable routine where you’re not constantly intervening. Your world flips upside down and suddenly, you have someone who is 100% dependent on you for everything,” she shared.
Loss of control for our bio daughter.
After becoming a foster family, our daughter doesn’t get to decide as much about our family’s routines or activities anymore. Mostly, my husband and I make unilateral decisions about feeding times for the baby, when the baby needs to be comforted, and who will change the baby’s diaper. Her frustrations permeate as she attempts to take back control over some aspects of baby care and daily life
An unsettled future.
We don’t know what will happen from one day to the next – our baby’s future isn’t known. We’re in a holding pattern that feels unsettling.
The Joys
Babies slow us down in the best possible way. Everything is deliberate and monumental. I sing the simple kids songs I had forgotten about like Father Abraham and He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands and silly little melodies we created when we had our daughter: “It’s time for a diapy changey. Are you ready for a diapy changey?”
We take great joy in the head-back “curly” stretches, the first smiles, the cooing, the little clothes, the snuggles, the cheeks that’ve suddenly filled out. It’s a time of wonder, and I don’t want to miss any of it. Jim, Winnie, and I revel and delight in all things newborn baby, “fighting” over who gets the next hold or feeding.
We see our bio daughter learn and grow, stepping outside of the comfort of routine and grappling with new rhythms. She is maturing as she cares for the baby and opens her heart. She takes great delight in the baby’s “firsts.”
I’ve found joy, too, in using the plural words “kids” and “children.” It’s a new happiness to text friends sentences I never thought I’d write like: “I’ll have both kids with me.”
And we’re constantly reminded to live one day at a time, counting it all as pure joy (even the difficult questions and challenges). We soak in the snuggles and parent our children with love, grace, and gratitude, remembering that they don’t really belong to us – but to a God who holds the whole world in His hands.
Previous Articles in this Series
Choosing Foster Care: Our Journey from Only Child Dreams to Opening Our Home for Healing
Navigating the Challenges of Becoming Foster Parents
Navigating Foster Care in Naples: A Family’s Continuing Journey