This is the fourth article I’ve written about our journey as a foster family. In late September, we became a licensed foster family through One More Child, a non-profit organization serving vulnerable children and families in Southwest Florida. Some names and details have been changed to protect the identities of the people in the story.
Our family’s first foster care placement – two toddlers for respite care – was both joyful and exhausting (read more about that experience at neafamily.com). Then, just one week later, I traveled to my parents’ house to help them through a monumental transition in their lives. The few days I spent with them were emotional, tense, and, in the end, bittersweet and beautiful. Weary, I returned home, facing a stacked schedule and an overwhelming to-do list.
The call
Soon after my return, we received a call to foster a baby, and we said yes. “Yes” to upend our lives and schedules, “yes” to a litany of unknowns, “yes” to sleepless nights, “yes” to endless formula mixing and bottle sanitization, “yes” to a vulnerable, tiny little one, “yes” to being cozied up at home, “yes” to gazing at awe-inspiring newborn yawns and stretches, “yes” to wonder and delight. This would be our first “permanent placement” since becoming a foster family. We continue to learn about the situation; it’s nebulous and abnormal. And this sweet and vulnerable “placement” is a squishy, cuddly baby.
This phrase from the Bible popped into my head – “Unto us is born this day,” a baby. The baby in our home (and all the other vulnerable, abused, neglected children) is born to all of us – we are all collectively responsible for defending and providing for them. Individuals, families, and organizations (like One More Child, Lutheran Services, Foster the Family, Friends of Foster of Southwest Florida, and many others) carry out amazing and necessary work supporting and upholding children and their families in our community.
And for us, returning to the infant stage has meant countless visits from friends and family. Diapers, shipments of non-alcoholic beer, dinners, Target runs, a growler of cold brew from a local coffee shop, visitors rocking a fussy baby to sleep, newborn zippered footie pajamas, playdates for my older child – more support than we ever anticipated. My theory is this: my friends who are parents of older children in their late teens or twenties have their sights set on grandparenthood. They miss babies in a way they may not have 10 years ago. Take my friend Monica – her oldest is 16, and her youngest is 9. Thus, that next phase of life is in sight; she craves holding a baby in a new way. And we reap the benefit!
What will happen?
Daily, we release control over this child’s future, and we remember that we never really had control over our family in the first place. As parents, we acknowledge that any child in our home belongs to God. We also recognize that our children’s stories don’t wholly belong to us either. In her book Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott states it this way: “You own what happened to you.” For children who spend time in foster care and who are reunified with their family or who are adopted, I would think this reality provides some semblance of comfort. Research shows that different people process the same traumas in vastly different ways, proving Lamott’s point. Thus, every person’s story is so unique – every outcome is unique – and it is impossible to generalize foster care outcomes.
Still, I have so many questions. Does the child welfare system work, even if it isn’t efficient? Do children placed in foster homes flourish long-term? When they age out, how do they function in life? How does adoption change the course of foster children’s lives, and is permanence with non-related adults the best outcome?
These questions are too big to answer with data points; the answers are anecdotal, individualized, and nuanced. And isn’t protecting and fighting for children our calling and responsibility, regardless of the result?
A fellow One More Child foster parent, Mercy Betts, shared a bit of her story of growing up in the foster care system: “I was in foster care from the age of 2 to 16 years old. At 16, I was adopted. Growing up in the system, I lived in foster homes and group homes. There were some good ones and some not-so-good ones. I always knew that I wanted to open up my home and help children in need – to provide a safe and loving space for them. I especially felt called to provide for and mentor older children.”
I asked Mercy about her adoption: “I met my adoptive family when I lived in the One More Child group home in Fort Myers. At the time, they had three bio kids of their own, so when I moved in, it felt like a true family. Teens don’t usually get adopted, so I was very blessed to have that opportunity at 16 years old.”
My neighbor, Juliana, is an adoptee and shared some valuable truths with me: “There is no perfect picture. There will be pain or confusion for adoptees, foster/adoptive parents, and biological parents. All that matters is for the child to know: ‘I am chosen.’ I know I was placed into the perfect home for me. While my experience has been somewhat painful, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It has taught me how lucky I am to have been placed into my parents’ arms – into a healthy and safe home and a new pattern for my family’s legacy.”
Our foster baby’s story isn’t necessarily mine to tell. We don’t know what will happen at this stage, so we cherish every day. Our call is to love for a moment, however long that moment lasts. We don’t know what this baby’s talents, favorite foods, passions, or tendencies will be. My mom often reminds me: “Isn’t it comforting that we don’t have to cultivate our children’s passions or joys? We get to watch them discover that for themselves!” Will this baby struggle with fractions, hate broccoli, laugh at peek-a-boo, and learn to sign “more” and “yes?” Will this baby run high fevers or love to cuddle during movie night? Will this baby crave mountain biking trips, learn to sight-fish snook, and enjoy reading The Hobbit?
We don’t know the answers to those questions – and we may never know – but we do know how to love deeply with consistency and without condition. For today, that must be enough.