November is National Adoption Awareness Month, and to mark the occasion, Neapolitan Family talked to Allison Alexander of Southwest Florida about her family’s experiences adopting two children from Uganda. Allison and her husband, Adam, now have five boys: Matthew (9), Andrew (7), Jonathan (6), Benjamin (4), and Stephen (3). The Alexanders adopted Benjamin and Jonathan from Uganda during separate adoptions; the boys are not biologically related.
What prompted you to pursue adoption? In our pre-marital counseling, Adam and I were encouraged to think about what we wanted our family to look like someday – to discuss when we would have kids, how many we wanted, and the possibility of infertility, etc. Throughout those discussions, we concluded we wanted a big family and wanted both biological and adopted children. Little did we know the chaos that was coming. We had five boys join our family in six years!
Describe the adoption process for your family. It was crazy, stressful, miraculous, and fast. Adam and I felt God leading our family to adopt from a country where orphans had very little rights, provision, or protection. We started to research adoption in different countries that had high orphan populations due to sickness and war. As we figured out what countries would allow us to adopt in light of our ages, medical history, and financial situation, our list narrowed to one country: Uganda. Uganda has been torn apart by war, AIDS, corrupt government, and poverty.
We researched adoption agencies, and through our personal network we sought to connect with someone who had experienced Ugandan adoption. We applied to adopt in March 2013; this involved massive amounts of paperwork, appointments, background checks, fingerprints, fundraising, and a home study. In August 2013, we were matched with Jonathan and traveled to Uganda in November. I stayed there for six weeks with our sons and completed paper work and appointments. We came home on Dec. 24, 2013 – it was the best Christmas gift!
In December 2014, our agency contacted us to find out if we had any desire to adopt again – there was a little girl who needed a family. We started the paperwork; I had to redo everything, but it was easier the second time around because I understood the process. In January, we got news that a family member had been found and would be taking care of the little girl. We were happy about this because our desire is for the Ugandan people to help care for the vulnerable children in their midst.
In February, our agency asked us about Benjamin, and we matched with him. We finished our paperwork and fundraising quickly. Just before we traveled to Uganda in July 2015, I found out I was pregnant with our fifth child. This time, my husband and I went and left our three older boys at home. We were supposed to be there for two weeks, but the process was delayed in Uganda, so Adam returned, and I stayed with Benjamin. I stayed for nine weeks and traveled home with Benjamin in September 2015.
The process to travel and start the guardianship process through the Ugandan government was multifaceted, complicated, and time consuming. It involved court dates, a mandate to live in the country for several weeks, medical appointments, an application for a Ugandan passport, and an appointment for review of the case at the U.S. Embassy, after which our children each received a visa to come to America and a green card. Our two adoptions were finalized in the U.S. after more home-study visits, paperwork, and fees. At this point, our boys were granted U.S. citizenship.
What was (and is) challenging about adoption for your family? Adding five children to our family in six years with four pregnancies (one miscarriage) and two sections of time living apart as a family in different countries was very stressful on everyone. It took about two years after our youngest was born to feel like we were living somewhat normally.
A continual challenge for us is dealing with the questions people feel entitled to ask us in front of our children, about our children. A lot of people ask if our two adopted boys are brothers – in front of them! What the people are really asking is if they are biologically related. It doesn’t really matter if they are, and answering that question in front of our children could bring up issues about their adoptions we haven’t gotten to yet. Telling an adoption story to a child starts on day one, but it is a slow and age appropriate process. Other people are not entitled to those details and asking those questions in front of the children can be hurtful or confusing.
I get asked often if “all of them are mine.” I understand what they are asking, but there are more sensitive ways to find out if we are a family. I get asked constantly if I run a daycare. I have tried to learn not be snippy, and I try to educate others on how to be more sensitive in what they ask and aware of how their phrasing comes across. I have to juggle this tension in front of my children, which is difficult. My first priority is to protect my family, so if necessary, I will seem rude to strangers to protect my children and their story.
All adopted children come from trauma of some sort. The loss of a biological parent, in whom you were formed and grew for your first nine months of life will never not be traumatic. There are a slew of possible additional traumas: substance abuse during pregnancy, physical abuse during pregnancy, abandonment and neglect post-birth, abuse post-birth, hunger, etc. All of these things effect brain development and have lifelong effects on people, including attachment issues, food issues, sensory disorders, developmental delays, physical delays, hurt, anger, sadness, etc. Learning how past trauma impacted our children is a daily process, and there is no textbook for it. There are incredible resources now compared to a few decades ago, for which I am very thankful. A lot of times people assume that because a child was adopted at birth or within their first month of life that there will be very little trauma, but that is so far from the truth.
Another challenge our family faces is the fact that we are a multiracial family. We are two white parents raising two black children and three white children. We are responsible to raise these boys in a way that prepares them for the world and how it sees and interacts with black people. We have to do this with no prior knowledge, because it is not a reality we have lived. I am so thankful for friendships in our lives of other black men and women that can speak to this from personal experience and help give us insight and wisdom.
What have been some of the joys of adoption for your family? We are able to call Jonathan and Benjamin our sons. We are able to love, raise, nurture, discipline, and celebrate these two incredible boys that have been made in the image of God and reflect to us things about who God is. These are joys we would have missed out on if they had not been placed in our family.
Regarding adoption, people often say that we are such a blessing to our children. It is really hard not to roll our eyes at this statement. Adam and I fail our children time and time again. We are selfish, unkind, and disappointing often. Our hearts surge with pride, love, and sadness for all of our children at the same level. The gift of loving someone that way is something we are so blessed to experience. To see the deep friendship that our five boys share is something I don’t think the world is ready for, and it is such a joy to be able to have them under our roof.
What advice would you give other families looking to adopt? I highly recommend adoption to other families, but I do not think it is for everyone. We can participate in caring for vulnerable children through adoption, foster care, supporting adoptive families, baby-
sitting, dropping off groceries and diapers, serving as a guardian ad litem, and many other ways.
Wanting to provide a loving, caring, and safe home for a vulnerable child is a fabulous foundation on which to build an adoption journey. The children are a huge blessing to us and are building blocks of our family. Just like all children, though, they frustrate and disappoint us, and unconditional love is what needs to be the foundation in that relationship or else it can be a very messy and hurtful situation.
I am very passionate about the ethics of adoption. Having the proper motivation to adopt is essential, and if you are seeking to adopt a child who is truly in need of a home rather than to fill a perceived void in your family, then you will be willing to ask hard questions of your agency. Adoption can be a business. Being a birth mother in America can be a business. There are many situations of corrupt orphanage workers and social workers in other countries that offer false promises to parents in poverty and take away their children. That is trafficking, and that is not orphan care. It is of the utmost importance to ask hard questions and be willing to do the right thing with the answers you get.
What’s next for your family? Our family is done growing. We wanted a big family, and we got one much faster than we imagined. Life was very difficult for a few years because of the neediness of so many children in such a young age bracket. I have journeyed through depression caused by some of that craziness, I think. I am taking medicine now, going to counseling, and have found a good support system. We still love caring for vulnerable children, though, and we are figuring out what that will look like for our family in this next season. I am in the process of becoming a volunteer with an adoption agency that develops relationships with birth mothers, helps them understand their options, and supports them if they choose to parent their children. I also plan to become a guardian ad litem when all of my children are in school.
ANNA SNYDER lives in Naples with her husband and daughter. She loves to write, read, crochet, and run. She writes about her family’s adventures at marriedtoafisherman.com.