About one in five kids ages 12 to 18 is bullied in a given year, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. Such bullying ranges from name-calling and spreading rumors to the destruction of property, threats, and violence.
Studies have found bullying has health and psychological repercussions – and the effects can last into adulthood. The victims of childhood bullying and bully-victims (those who are both bullied and bully others) are “at increased risk of poor health, wealth, and social-relationship outcomes in adulthood,” according to a 2013 report in Psychological Science Journal.
Bullying Versus Conflict
For parents and educators to effectively address bullying, we must first understand what constitutes bullying. When we see it, we often don’t recognize it because, from the outside, it looks like a conflict. In the heat of the moment, kids, like adults, can say and do mean things to each other. That, in and of itself, doesn’t constitute bullying. Because parents and teachers are aware of this, it’s sometimes easy to dismiss a child’s complaints about being harassed as nothing more than a spat. So, here are some questions to help determine which it is.
Do both children have equal power? If so, it’s conflict. In bullying, the bully has more power or more perceived power.
Are both children able to express their concerns or views? Or is one child passive or unable to express her side for some reason?
Does the behavior stop when the antagonizing child recognizes he’s hurting another? Or does the aggressor continue, while being fully aware of the effects of his behavior?
What is Bullying?
Bullying is repeated acts by an individual or group with the intent to scare, distress, or cause harm to another. It differs from simply disliking or rejecting another, mutual conflict, or a single-episode mean-spirited act.
Bullying behaviors include any of the following:
- Hostile or discriminatory behavior based on race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation
- Cyberbullying, which is the use of social media, websites, instant messaging, or texting via smartphones or computers to harass or harm another
- Causing physical harm by hitting, kicking, shoving, or destroying property
- Social bullying, such as spreading malicious rumors, damaging someone’s reputation, encouraging others to gang up on someone, or playing mean or embarrassing jokes
- Verbal bullying, which includes name-calling, intimidating, or insulting another
Kids Keep it a Secret
Often children don’t tell when they’re being bullied. As a result, bullying persists for months or longer and becomes increasingly more damaging. There are multiple reasons kids might not tell an adult.
- Perhaps a child has been threatened with repercussions if they tell, or the child fears the threat will become greater if they say anything.
- They don’t want to be a tattletale. Kids don’t always understand the difference between tattling for unimportant matters versus more serious issues.
- Children often feel ashamed or embarrassed either about being a victim of bullying or about the reason they’re being bullied.
- They feel they either won’t be believed or that adults won’t do anything about it.
Signs of Bullying
Several signs might indicate your child is being bullied:
- Frequently trying to get out of going to school or declining grades
- Complaining of stomach aches and headaches
- Feeling sad or upset
- Withdrawing from social interactions
- Difficulty sleeping
- Asking whether something derogatory someone said about your child is true or other signs of decreased self-esteem
- Bruising and abrasions that are unexplained
- Missing or damaged clothing, electronics, or other belongings
- Seeming anxious or sad after being on social media
- Changing eating habits, whether lack of appetite, binge eating, or not eating lunch at school
- Harming themself or talking of suicide
Victim or Bully?
Your child might be a bully if he or she is:
- Hanging out with other kids who are aggressive or bully others
- Not taking responsibility for their own actions
- Excluding certain kids from activities
- Frequently getting into trouble at school
- Expressing intolerance toward kids who are different
- Making fun of other kids
- Bringing home items such as electronics, clothes, or money
- Hurting animals
- Witnessing or experiencing domestic violence
- Being overly concerned about popularity
How to Prevent or Stop Bullying
First and foremost, talk to your kids about bullying, so they understand what it is and that it’s unacceptable. Make sure your kids understand they must tell an adult if they or someone they know is being bullied so the bully doesn’t have the opportunity to gain power.
Monitor your kids’ activity online, including their social media. Ensure your child is neither being bullied nor acting like a bully.
Model the kind of behavior you expect from your kids. When kids hear their parents talk negatively about others because of their weight or joke about someone who’s different, kids tend to model this behavior.
Take time every day to talk with your child and ask how their day was. Kids who bully are often not getting the attention they need at home. Children who are being bullied may feel they deserve the treatment or that their parents wouldn’t care or wouldn’t act on it.
Teach your kids to stand up for themselves. If your child remains passive, a bully will up the ante and gradually become more abusive. But, if your child assertively and unemotionally stands up to the bully, the bully will realize she won’t get away with the behavior. On the other hand, if a bully knows he’s getting under your child’s skin, the bully will persist. Your child should maintain eye contact, stay calm, maintain appropriate distance, and use the bully’s name while addressing the bully.
Jill Newman of Naples Family Martial Arts regularly offers free anti-bullying workshops for families. “As parents of school-aged children, we are keenly aware of the impacts of bullying, and we actively work to stop bullying by providing fellow parents and children with the benefits of a martial arts education,” she explains. “Martial arts disrupts the cycle of bullying by developing self-confidence, respect, communication skills, and self-control among our students.”
If your child is being bullied, also talk to your child’s teachers, school administrators, bus driver, and others who can help stop the abusive behavior. Make sure your school has a plan in place to protect your child, and if it isn’t doing enough, contact the district superintendent.
The Collier County Public Schools district website, collierschools.com, offers resources and advice.
Finally, if the bullying doesn’t cease or your child has been threatened with violence, proceed by filing charges through your school board and the local police department.
Collier County and Surrounding Area Resources for Parents and Children
Here are some local resources in Collier County and the surrounding areas to support parents and children:
1. Collier County Public Schools (CCPS)
- Website: www.collierschools.com
- CCPS is committed to maintaining a safe and inclusive learning environment. Visit their website for information on anti-bullying programs, policies, and reporting procedures.
2. Collier County Sheriff’s Office – Youth Relations Bureau
- Phone: (239) 252-0654
- Website: colliersheriff.org
- Email: YouthRelations@colliersheriff.org
- Connect with the Youth Relations Bureau for resources, guidance, and support related to youth safety and well-being.
3. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Collier County
- Website: www.namicollier.org
- NAMI offers valuable mental health resources, support groups, and educational programs for families and children facing mental health challenges.
4. David Lawrence Center
- Website: www.davidlawrencecenter.org
- Phone: (239) 455-8500
- DLC provides comprehensive behavioral health services for children and families, including counseling and crisis intervention.
5. Boys & Girls Club of Collier County
- Website: www.bgccc.com
- Phone: (239) 325-1700
- The Boys & Girls Club offers after-school programs, mentoring, and a safe space for children to learn and grow.
6. The Shelter for Abused Women & Children
- Website: www.naplesshelter.org
- 24/7 Helpline: (239) 775-1101
- This organization provides support, shelter, and resources for families facing domestic violence and abuse.
7. PFLAG Naples
- Website: www.pflagnaples.org
- PFLAG offers support and advocacy for LGBTQ+ youth and their families. Join their local chapter for guidance and acceptance.
8. Immokalee Foundation
- Website: www.immokaleefoundation.org
- Phone: (239) 430-9122
- This organization empowers Immokalee’s youth through education and mentorship programs.
9. Legal Aid Service of Collier County
- Website: www.legalaid.org/collier
- Phone: (239) 775-4555
- For legal assistance and guidance related to issues affecting children and families, contact Legal Aid Service of Collier County.
Kimberly Blaker is a freelance writer. She also owns an online bookshop, Sage Rare & Collectible Books (sagerarebooks.com), specializing in out-of-print, scarce, signed, and first editions; fine bindings; ephemera, and more.
