Parenting a tween or teen can be challenging. But if we truly understand what is happening with their brain during this time of development, we can have more empathy and know how to best support them.
Massive Brain Rewiring
Adolescence, which spans from ages 10 to 24, is a time when the brain undergoes massive changes. By the end of adolescence, your child’s brain has been upgraded and overhauled. It’s the emotional part of their brain that first receives this overhaul before the part that is responsible for planning, decision-making, and having perspective. This explains why your teen’s emotions often appear chaotic and explosive.
We all have emotions, and most of the time, they are appropriate for the situation. Your job is not to make your teen’s emotions disappear. Your job is to sit with them as they ride the wave of those emotions – listening, offering empathy, and letting your teen set the terms of engagement.
The process of separation-individuation
Adolescence is a time when teens build an identity that is distinct from their parents. Your teen might start to not want to be around you. Or they might even go so far as to criticize the way you dress. These are all normal signs of healthy adolescent development. As your child figures out who they want to be, they will push against who you are as a person.
So, how do you handle this time when your teen thinks everything you say and do is annoying? Don’t personalize it, and don’t hold a grudge! It’s not about you and the outfit you chose that day. Try to refocus the conversation or give your teen some space. Playfulness and humor can also be extremely helpful. Teens have the best sense of humor. Next time your teen criticizes your outfit, play along. Say something like, “I know, it’s the worst. Maybe you could give me some styling advice.”
Increased Risk-Seeking
Due to the massive brain rewiring happening during adolescence, teens are more drawn to novel and exciting experiences. The availability of dopamine in the brain increases during this time. Dopamine is the reward chemical in our brain and makes us experience positive feelings. So novel and exciting experiences start to feel really good to your teen. Because the braking power of the brain is not fully in force yet, we see increased risk-taking.
As a parent, you can support your teen by having conversations about the risks of certain behaviors (i.e., reckless driving, drug/alcohol use) and setting reasonable expectations. Open communication is key. Your teen needs to know that if they are in a dangerous situation, they can call you for help, and you will respond without judgment. Finally, find safe ways to allow your teen to experience new and exciting experiences. Small, frequent, and safe opportunities reduce the need for your teen to seek out dangerous experiences with life-altering consequences.