When a newborn baby enters a home for the first time, a question many proud parents ask is, “What will they do as an adult?” Perhaps a more important question a parent can ask is, “What kind of adult will they be as the result of my parenting?” In other words, what life skills should a child possess when they leave home? If the goal of effective parenting is to raise a self-disciplined, accountable, and independent person, then parents can begin to achieve this goal by building a disciplined home.
Laying a foundation
Just as architects rely on blueprints to guide the physical design of a home, parents need to draft a set of plans that will enable them to establish discipline inside the home. The foundation of a house is the most critical feature, and anchors everything that follows.
Parents setting out to build a disciplined home should start by pouring a solid layer of respect.
Respect allows parents and children to show consideration and appreciation for each other. It fosters an atmosphere where family members are tolerant and accept individual differences. In a respectful environment, a family does not mistreat or take advantage of each other.
Successful parents know that they cannot demand respect from their children. Instead, parents can garner respect by taking charge. Respect flourishes when parents are fair and consistent and model treating others with respect. One of the ultimate rewards of establishing relationships based on mutual respect is the likelihood of winning a child’s cooperation.
Active listening
Once a firm foundation of respect has been laid, parents can then begin framing their home with communication. The frame relies on the foundation, as communication relies on respect, to support parent discipline. Communication is the process of exchanging information, which strengthens the relationship between parent and child. Grounded in trust, this relationship provides children with a forum for safely communicating their needs and feelings.
Children often seek out their parents when they need to be heard and understood. To best understand a child’s feelings, parents can rely on active listening, which is putting oneself in the child’s place and paying close attention to what is being said. By listening intently, keeping an open mind, and refraining from making judgments, parents help their children understand that they are respected and valued, which generally translates into a willingness to continue to express their feelings.
Active listening begins with establishing eye contact and showing a genuine interest in what is being shared, and continues with restating and clarifying, or checking for understanding. Active listening concludes with summarizing and helping others to reflect and better understand their feelings.
Two skills at the core of good communication are noticing one’s tone of voice and leading with open-ended questions. It is important for parents to pay attention not only to what they say, but also how they say it. Nothing ends a conversation quicker than questions requiring a yes or no response.
Setting limits
With a solid foundation of respect and a strong frame hewn from clear communication, parents can assemble a roof composed of discipline. The roof, or discipline, secures the home. Discipline, often misunderstood, is not a form of punishment. It involves training or teaching behavior. Children need clear limits and like to know what is expected of them. Limits provide a sense of security. However, simply establishing limits does not mean that children will cooperate or enjoy being called out on their behavior.
Since children will test the limits to see if rules are important and will be upheld, parents must assume authority and enforce fair consequences consistently by allowing children to make choices and experience the consequences of their decisions. Choices allow children to be responsible for their behavior and take ownership of changing it. Rewards and punishments, on the other hand, make parents responsible for children’s behavior.
When it comes to consequences, parents should ask themselves, “Who owns the problem?” and “What would happen if I didn’t interfere?” It is important to not protect children from consequences. Looking the other way and excusing misbehavior provides a disservice to children and perpetuates unaccountability. Discipline is a gradual release process. Initially, parents are in charge and create boundaries. Over time, parents and children share the decision-making.
This takes us back to our original question: “What life skills should a child possess when they leave home?” Ideally, the ability to answer for their conduct without making excuses, to consider the consequences that their actions and decisions have on others, and, ultimately, to act responsibly.
Stephen McFadden is the coordinator of school counseling K-8 for the Collier County Public Schools. Kaliegh McFadden is a Florida-certified Licensed Mental Health Counselor and works as a master’s level behavioral health provider for Healthcare Network. This father-and-daughter team resides in Naples, Florida.