Momentum Mom Lauren Joel
After reading in the news about child endangerment or abuse, do you ever wonder what happens to the children when they are removed from the home? This month’s MOMentum Mom, Laurel Joel, and her family have created a safe haven for those children as foster parents. Laurel, a physical therapist, and her husband Michael, a state of Florida wildland firefighter already have a full house with daughter Ariel (17), son Dane (12), and their dog Molly. After seeing some friends become foster parents, they decided that it was their family’s mission to do the same.
How did you prepare to become foster parents? We attended an informational meeting and chose One More Child, a Christian agency. Then we went to PRIDE (parenting and resource classes for foster and adopting parents) for a total of 30 hours. One More Child reviewed our application and our home, performed a background check, and discussed fostering with Dane and Ariel. We became licensed for children in June 2015. Our family has fostered five children long term and three children for respite care for other foster families. We foster one child at a time, a boy between the ages of one and five.
How do you prepare your home to take in a foster child, knowing that it will be temporary? Before a new foster child comes in, we take a very quick trip to the store for some basics like diapers, an outfit or two, and pajamas. Usually there isn’t time to prepare further. After they arrive, we go to Once Upon a Child for a week’s worth of clothes, and we have the child pick out a toy or two to help him feel more comfortable. Our biological children are our best ambassadors – the foster children see them playing, laughing, and trusting us, and it helps them immensely to acclimate.
What are the challenges of foster care? I like to think that the challenging things about foster care help me grow! It is a chaotic system – people and places change frequently, often without notification or communication. The first few weeks are busy with visitors in our home, doctor and dentist appointments, and assessments. All children in foster care have experienced trauma in their lives – they may have witnessed or experienced neglect or abuse, drug abuse, drugs in utero, homelessness, and domestic violence. Then, they are removed from their homes and placed with us, which is a trauma unto itself. My biggest challenge is remembering- ing I can only control my care for our little ones, not the process of their case, their family, or decisions made by others on their welfare.
What would surprise us about foster children? When polled, 50% of people believe foster children did something wrong to come into care!!! I want people to understand these children did nothing wrong. Their parents made poor choices, got arrested, and became unable to care for their children for some reason. This is never the fault of the child. NEVER.
Initially, our foster children are quiet, reluctant to play, and follow every request we make because they are scared, unsure of their new home. As they grow more comfortable with our home, they bloom, they laugh, they play, they protest, and they melt- down like our other kids. But, with their underlying issues and traumas, we never know what will trigger them. One of our foster children wouldn’t enter a bathroom and we had to bathe him in our pool for seven months.
We were surprised by the number of children in the system, the time they have spent in care, and the amount of interaction we have with the biological family. We communicate frequently, send pictures and updates, and discuss parenting skills and techniques to care for their little ones. We are so fortunate to still have contact with many of our foster children and their families.
How has being a foster parent changed your family? Our family has become more aware of the needs of other people and less selfish to our own desires as we care for these little ones. We have met people and experienced cultures beyond our own. Most importantly, we are living out the message of James 1:27: “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”
What does your family like to do in your free time? My husband and I both work full time, so weekends include chores, shopping, laundry, and naps! We also like to go swimming, to trampoline parks, the Naples Zoo, and especially the Golisano Children’s Museum of Naples – that place is magic!
What is your best parenting advice for caring for both biological and foster children? My husband’s best advice is to “Pick your battles”. My best advice for foster parents is “Always be the adult in the room”. We have no control over what these kids have seen and their behaviors are not directed at us – they are reactions to all the previous traumas they have encountered.
How do you prepare your family for the foster child to leave your home? We prepare from day one for our child to return to his family as reunification is almost always the goal. However, more frequently our experience has been grandparents eventually taking custody. We use visits, FaceTime, pictures, and videos to help their relationship grow and ease the transition from our home. When we know a child is leaving, we prepare a photo album of their time with us, and try to explain how loved they are by so many people. When they leave we are very sad – it’s as if we have lost a family member. Our home is so very quiet without a toddler running around. We grieve, we cry, we look at pictures, we tell stories of their adventures, and check in frequently with their families. We also do all kinds of “big kid” things like go to the movies, stay up late, and sleep in. Eventually, our children start suggesting it is time to consider another child, and off we go on another adventure in foster care.
For more information about fostering in Florida, visit Florida Department of Children and Families at myFLfamilies.com, Children’s Network of Southwest Florida at childnetswfl.org, or One More Child at onemorechild.org.