The holiday season can be a magical time filled with special moments with family and friends. But for anyone who has lost a loved one, this can be the most difficult time of year, as coping with grief becomes even more daunting when it seems like the rest of the world is celebrating.
Neapolitan Family talked with Trish Childress from Avow in Naples, FL about grief during the holidays. Childress is Avow’s director of supportive services and has been working with families dealing with grief for over 25 years. She provides advice on what we can do to help someone grieving during this time and how to deal with our own grief.
Listen. “Allow the person to share the memories of the people they’ve lost,” says Childress. “We don’t bring up death because we think it will upset them. They are already upset. Give people the space to share and express themselves. Asking about traditions and family memories will encourage healing.” Share your memories, too, and don’t shy away from the funny stories. “Humor is a tool for coping,” she says. “It’s okay to laugh, and it’s okay to cry, and sometimes we get that in the same sentence.”
Offer specific help. This time of year is so busy, and someone grieving already is stressed. The many tasks that come with the season can overwhelm someone experiencing grief. Childress recommends avoiding the common refrains: “If there is anything I can do” or “Call me if you need anything.” Instead, offer to take on specific duties, such as shopping, gift wrapping, or shipping packages. If the grieving person always bakes pies for a holiday meal, offer to make them yourself or supply the ingredients or assist with the baking. If they host friends and family, offer to come early and stay late to help. If the person attends religious services, offer to go with them. “There are so many simple things you can do to make people feel supported,” she says.
Be sure to ask if the person is comfortable having you perform a task. For example, “Some people might not want you to clean up,” Childress points out. “It’s about tapping into the sensitivity of the situation.”
If your offer is rejected, suggest an alternative, but don’t keep pushing them to accept, she advises.
Encourage rest. Grief brings on physical exhaustion, Childress says. “If a person is saying no to activities or events, they could be physically exhausted. With grief, people say ‘Stay positive, move on, remember the good times.’ That’s not comforting to us in the midst of our grief,” she says. “Every situation is different, but recognize that keeping one busy is not diverting someone from their grief. We don’t want to divert grief.”
Just be there. Childress says that offering to simply sit with someone grieving can be the most comforting thing you can do, even when you don’t know what to say. “I think the gift of being present is something that is immeasurable.”
Helping a child grieve
A child grieving during the holidays has different needs than an adult, and those needs also are age-dependent.
“Children grieve differently at different developmental milestones,” Childress explains. For small children, adults have to be careful to leave the magic in Christmas without making the death of a loved mystical. To successfully walk this tightrope, she suggests using concrete terms when talking about death with young kids. “If we say we lost someone or they are in heaven, that can be very confusing for children,” she explains. “Santa is mystical but can’t bring back Mommy, Grandpa, or our pet. Parents want to make it all better, but our wording doesn’t make it better – it confuses them. Kids still have magical thinking, and they don’t have capability to understand that we lost Grandpa. They want to go find Grandpa. Children also can’t grasp the concept of heaven at a young age.”
Take the time to talk with relatives who may be visiting during the holidays about what terms you are using and how you have approached the topic of death with your child. “We still have grandparents who don’t use the words death, dying, or dead. Make the phone call ahead of time and say the child is grieving, and tell them what you are doing, so that you have that consistency among the adults,” Childress says.
For small children, she advises to be in the moment with them. “They might be tearful one second, and asking to open a gift in the next minute,” she says, adding that “I don’t feel there’s a vast difference in holiday time for them.”
Adolescents require more of an adult approach, and should be encouraged to talk about their grief and memories. They also can be involved with honoring their deceased loved one by establishing soothing rituals, such as lighting a candle, visiting the cemetery, or suggesting their own ideas. Read more tips on helping grieving children here.
Coping with your own grief
If you are the one who is grieving, Childress advises sharing your pain and experience with others. “Find that channel of family or friends to share your story.” If your family and friends are not supportive of this, “reach out to a professional to express yourself,” she recommends.
Support groups can help, too. “For someone who has lost a spouse, support groups are important,” she says. “People feel as though they can’t bring up a deceased spouse when they socialize with friends who are couples.” Or an adult child will tell a parent that it makes them too sad to talk about their deceased parent.
Regardless of who you are able to share with, Childress says it is important to tell your story, even if it contains sadness and guilt. Many people harbor feelings of guilt – things they feel they should have done while their loved one was alive. “If you need to confront guilt, express those feelings,” she advises.
And, when well-intentioned friends extend invitations or offer help, “give yourself space to say no,” Childress says. “Allow yourself time to be able to rest from the physical and emotional exhaustion that you have.”
Gifts that honor
If you are struggling for gift ideas for someone who is grieving, Childress suggests doing something that honors the deceased, such as a planting a tree, printing and framing a special photo, or taking flowers to the cemetery. Or purchase a small gift that reflects a special interest of the deceased. If the person grieving enjoys reading, a book about grief is a good option. To the right is a list of books on grief and bereavement recommended by Avow.
The important thing to remember is that what comforts one person doesn’t necessarily comfort another. Take the time to ask your loved one what support they need.
“Grief is different for all of us, and we need to be sensitive to that,” Childress says. “Grief is so subjective, and there is no true timeline for that.”
Avow is a Naples-based nonprofit provider of hospice, palliative care, and grief support services. The Avow Kids program, designed for children ages 5-17, provides support for kids who are grieving. Avow also helps kids process and heal from other types of loss, including divorce, the loss of a friend, instability in the foster care system, and deployed parents and family members. Avow Kids hold in-person sessions, workshops, and camps in SWFL and online groups open to children and teens worldwide. There is never a cost for care. Visit https://avowcares.org or call 239-261-4404.
Recommended Reading
Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant
The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion
Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss That Changes Everything, by Lucy Hone, Ph.D.
I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One, by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D.
A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, by Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler
Please Be Patient. I’m Grieving: How to Care For and Support the Grieving Heart, by Gary Roe
When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner
When Things Fall Apart, by Perna Chodron
It’s OK That You’re Not OK, by Megan Devine
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief, by Joanne Cacciatore, Ph.D.
The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss, byGeorge A. Bonanno
How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.
Healing the Adult Sibling’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas after Your Brother or Sister Dies, by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss, by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn
Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies, by T.J. Wray
The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents, by Alexander Levy