The images are disturbing, and so are the stories: stories of death and destruction, stories of a terrorist group going on a brutal attack, killing and kidnapping, or stories of Russia invading its neighbor.

“It is devastating. People are losing their lives, and some people don’t have places to go,” said Veronica Trinidad, 14, a student at Aubrey Rogers High School in Naples.

Then there also is all of the misinformation. A national survey of Generation Z teenagers showed that 52% of teens get daily news from social media. Images of war fill their screens as they scroll through an avalanche of information. Another study by the Anti-Defamation League showed up to 70% of participants reported seeing misinformation on social media.

This can make it confusing and scary for children and teenagers.

Collier County mom Jamye McIntyre, who is Jewish, makes a point of helping her twin 14-year-old boys understand what is going on in the world and feel safe amidst the violence. 

“We are very upfront,” said McIntyre. “I try not to hide things from them because they are going to hear about it. I would rather they get my accurate version than what they hear at school. They know what is going on,” McIntyre said. “They see what is on the news.”

Her sons, who did not want their names to be used, agree that they are very aware of the violence. “A lot of people have died, and it is a major problem,” one said. “It is getting out of hand, [with] the protests and the violence,” his twin added.

At Aubrey Rogers High School, students in the AICE General Paper class watch CNN10 almost daily and discuss the issues.

“We are learning about how Israel is fighting in the Gaza Strip, and people are having to evacuate and hospitals are getting blown up,” Veronica said. “We heard a kid got his head blown off. I didn’t want to see that. It’s bad.”

Like Larry Olmedo, 16, other students get most of their news from TikTok.

“I am seeing videos of explosions and villages getting destroyed and families being torn apart,” Larry said. “Before we saw how the Ukraine army was outnumbered by the Russians, and we thought the Ukrainians would lose the war. I just hope it gets resolved.”

Educational Approaches and Managing Exposure 

Maria Ellis, mental health coordinator for Collier County Public Schools, agrees that making children feel safe while also understanding what is happening is important. 

What details parents should discuss with their children depends on the child’s age and personality. Ellis suggests watching a child’s reactions and monitoring anxiety levels.

“For the younger kids, avoid having any kind of conversation about war before bedtime,” she stressed. “Give them some time to process it before their little brains go into dream mode. With the younger kids, let their questions guide you. Our goal is to separate the real from the imagined fear. When providing facts to the younger kids, they should be brief and factual. Always validate their feelings.”

Ellis said with younger children, the focus should be on reassuring them that they are safe.

“Highlight the people that are trying to help, the people that are doing the right things,” she explained.

The discussions are different with middle and high school students.

“With the older kids, it will be more complex and involved,” Ellis said.

“More mature kids might focus on the politics surrounding the war. It is really important in this type of situation to limit the exposure. It can make it feel like it is unsafe everywhere.”

Rick Duggan, executive director of exceptional education and student support services for CCPS, agreed that monitoring and controlling the amount of exposure is important.

“Some people have MSNBC or Fox News just running in the background all day, and that is probably not the best idea,” he said. 

Understanding and Supporting Children of Different Ages 

Rabbi Ariel Boxman, director of lifelong learning at Temple Shalom in Naples and director of Temple Shalom Preschool, believes that with little children, the best action is to avoid the terrors of war.

“It just doesn’t fit into their world,” she said. “We are suggesting they avoid it as much as they can.”

With little ones, that can be as simple as not having the news on and not talking about it when children are present. But Boxman knows that is not always possible, especially with older children and teens.

“They are not going to be able to shield their kids,” she added.

Boxman believes that the older students attending Temple Shalom’s religious school understand that there is a war in Israel and that there is a terrorist group that began the conflict and is perpetuating it. “We explained that Israel is simply defending herself and working tirelessly to retrieve the hostages. We were careful not to discuss the torture, rape, or mutilation,” she points out. 

“The message I am sharing with them is that what happened on October 7th is from a terrorist group, not from the Palestinians. Reinforce that there are many good people, and [the terrorists are] people who have a lot of hate in their hearts,” Boxman explained.

She said Temple Shalom messaged their families that they refrain from using TikTok. “It is ideal to avoid it completely, but when a child comes across it, it has to be addressed,” Boxman noted. 

She also stressed the importance of allowing children to discuss what is happening in the war openly. “Let the children share what they are feeling, what they saw. Just let them speak. What we might think they are feeling might not be what they are feeling.” Boxman said.

Personal Stories 

Because they have family in Israel, Rabbi Boxman has to carefully guide her children as well. “We explained that there were some people in Israel who made the choice to use violence rather than use their words. By doing so, a lot of people got hurt, and so many people are sad.”

In November, Boxman’s husband, Asher Saida, took 19 duffel bags of requested supplies gathered by the Naples Jewish community to his home country. “When Asher left for Israel, we told [our children] that he was going to help protect the people of Israel and teach the importance of using words to get what we want, rather than violence.”

Temple Shalom’s Rabbi Adam Miller also traveled to Israel in November. Miller’s wife, Jennifer Siegal-Miller, said her children were nervous about the trip. “We told the boys that he was going and that he was going to be safe and that he was going to visit people who were mourning and injured,” Siegal-Miller said. “We explained that it’s what Jewish people do when somebody is hurt and lonely and sad: we go, and we are with them.”

The post Navigating Global Turmoil: Strategies for Guiding Children Through Disturbing News appeared first on SWFL Family.

Neapolitan Family talked with Trish Childress from Avow in Naples, FL about grief during the holidays. Childress is Avow’s director of supportive services and has been working with families dealing with grief for more than 25 years. She provides sage advice on what we can do to help someone grieving during this time, and how to deal with our own grief.

Listen. “Allow the person to share the memories of the people they’ve lost,” says Childress. “We don’t bring up death because we think it will upset them. They are already upset. Give people the space to share and express themselves. Asking about traditions and family memories will encourage healing.” Share your memories, too, and don’t shy away from the funny stories. “Humor is a tool for coping,” she says. “It’s okay to laugh, and it’s okay to cry, and sometimes we get that in the same sentence.”

Offer specific help. This time of year is so busy, and someone who is grieving already is stressed. The many tasks that come with the season can overwhelm someone experiencing grief. Childress recommends avoiding the common refrains: “If there is anything I can do” or “Call me if you need anything.” Instead, offer to take on specific duties, such as shopping, gift wrapping, or shipping packages. If the grieving person always bakes pies for a holiday meal, offer to make them yourself or supply the ingredients or assist with the baking. If they are hosting friends and family, offer to come early and stay late to help. If the person attends religious services, offer to go with them. “There are so many simple things you can do to make people feel supported,” she says.

 Be sure to ask if the person is comfortable having you perform a task. For example, “Some people might not want you to clean up,” Childress points out. “It’s about tapping into the sensitivity of the situation.”

If your offer is rejected, suggest an alternative, but don’t keep pushing them to accept, she advises.

Encourage rest. Grief brings on physical exhaustion, Childress says. “If a person is saying no to activities or events, they could be physically exhausted. With grief, people say ‘Stay positive, move on, remember the good times.’ That’s not comforting to us in the midst of our grief,” she says. “Every situation is different, but recognize that keeping one busy is not diverting someone from their grief. We don’t want to divert grief.”

Just be there. Childress says that offering to simply sit with someone grieving can be the most comforting thing you can do, even when you don’t know what to say. “I think the gift of being present is something that is immeasurable.”

Helping a child grieve

A child grieving during the holidays has different needs than an adult, and those needs also are age-dependent. 

“Children grieve differently at different developmental milestones,” Childress explains. For small children, adults have to be careful to leave the magic in Christmas without making the death of a loved mystical. To successfully walk this tightrope, she suggests using concrete terms when talking about death with young kids. “If we say we lost someone or they are in heaven, that can be very confusing for children,” she explains. “Santa is mystical but can’t bring back Mommy, Grandpa, or our pet. Parents want to make it all better, but our wording doesn’t make it better – it confuses them. Kids still have magical thinking, and they don’t have capability to understand that we lost Grandpa. They want to go find Grandpa. Children also can’t grasp the concept of heaven at a young age.”

Take the time to talk with relatives who may be visiting during the holidays about what terms you are using and how you have approached the topic of death with your child. “We still have grandparents who don’t use the words death, dying, or dead. Make the phone call ahead of time and say the child is grieving, and tell them what you are doing, so that you have that consistency among the adults,” Childress says.

For small children, she advises to be in the moment with them. “They might be tearful one second, and asking to open a gift in the next minute,” she says, adding that “I don’t feel there’s a vast difference in holiday time for them.”

Adolescents require more of an adult approach, and should be encouraged to talk about their grief and memories. They also can be involved with honoring their deceased loved one by establishing soothing rituals, such as lighting a candle, visiting the cemetery, or suggesting their own ideas.

Coping with your own grief

If you are the one who is grieving, Childress advises sharing your pain and experience with others. “Find that channel of family or friends to share your story.” If your family and friends are not supportive of this, “reach out to a professional to express yourself,” she recommends. 

Support groups can help, too. “For someone who has lost a spouse, support groups are important,” she says. “People feel as though they can’t bring up a deceased spouse when they socialize with friends who are couples.” Or an adult child will tell a parent that it makes them too sad to talk about their deceased parent.

Regardless of who you are able to share with, Childress says it is important to tell your story, even if it contains sadness and guilt. Many people harbor feelings of guilt – things they feel they should have done while their loved one was alive. “If you need to confront guilt, express those feelings,” she advises.

And, when well-intentioned friends extend invitations or offer help, “give yourself space to say no,” Childress says. “Allow yourself time to be able to rest from the physical and emotional exhaustion that you have.” 

Gift that honor

If you are struggling for gift ideas for someone who is grieving, Childress suggests doing something that honors the deceased, such as a planting a tree, printing and framing a special photo, or taking flowers to the cemetery. Or purchase a small gift that reflects a special interest of the deceased. If the person grieving enjoys reading, a book about grief is a good option. To the right is a list of books on grief and bereavement recommended by Avow.

The important thing to remember is that what comforts one person doesn’t necessarily comfort another. Take the time to ask your loved one what support they need.

“Grief is different for all of us, and we need to be sensitive to that,” Childress says. “Grief is so subjective, and there is no true timeline for that.”

Avow is a Naples-based nonprofit provider of hospice, palliative care, and grief support services. The Avow Kids program, designed for children ages 5-17, provides support for kids who are grieving. Avow also helps kids process and heal from other types of loss, including divorce, the loss of a friend, instability in the foster care system, and deployed parents and family members. Avow Kids hold in-person sessions, workshops, and camps in SWFL and online groups open to children and teens worldwide. There is never a cost for care. Visit https://avowcares.org or call 239-261-4404.

Recommended Reading

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant 

The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion 

Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss That Changes Everything, by Lucy Hone, Ph.D. 

I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One, by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D. 

A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis 

On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, by Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler 

Please Be Patient. I’m Grieving: How to Care For and Support the Grieving Heart, by Gary Roe 

When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner 

When Things Fall Apart, by Perna Chodron 

It’s OK That You’re Not OK, by Megan Devine 

Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief, by Joanne Cacciatore, Ph.D. 

The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss, byGeorge A. Bonanno 

How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.

Healing the Adult Sibling’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas after Your Brother or Sister Dies, by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. 

The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss, by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn 

Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies, by T.J. Wray 

The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents, by Alexander Levy 

The post Holiday Grief: How to Celebrate the Holidays After a Recent Loss appeared first on SWFL Family.

and expectations, something that is especially tough when it’s a child who’s grieving. Most of these tips are useful for grieving children, not only during the holidays but throughout the year. Keep in mind that, other than loving them and allowing them to share their memories and needs, there are no hard and fast rules, just guidelines. 

1. Allow this year to be different. Trying to pull off the perfect holiday celebration will likely only cause you and the child more stress. In addition to the grief a major loss brings, there are secondary losses as well. If you are facing financial hardships, allow there to be fewer gifts this year. If you don’t have the energy to cook a meal for the whole family, order out, go to someone else’s home, or make reservations. Children are sensitive to your stress, so don’t take on more than you can. There are many tips below that will help you include the child in the conversation and planning.
2. Understand the developmental perspectives of death for children. Research performed by Maria Nagy segments children’s perspectives of death into three categories, though the age ranges are a guideline and will vary from child to child. Use this information in tandem with what your child tells you about how they view the loss to find age and worldview-appropriate ways for your child to express what they feel.– Ages 3 to 5: Death is a physical relocation, and the deceased exists somewhere else.– Ages 5 to 9: Death is often personified, and can be avoided.– Ages 9 to 10: Death is universal, inevitable, and irreversible.
3. Balance new and old traditions. If a child’s mother died and is the person that would usually read The Night Before Christmas to the family on Christmas Eve, what do you do? Skip it? Have someone else read it? Instead of trying to figure it out on your own, ask the child what they want to do. There isn’t a right or wrong answer, and this way you empower the child to share their feelings with you as well as tap into their own ability to do grief-work. This allows you to keep traditions that work, let go of those that don’t, and create new ones because you want to, not because you have to.
4. Don’t pretend the death didn’t occur. No one forgets that someone they love is missing. Pretending that everything is fine will not temper the pain. Instead, it will add confusion to what is already a disorienting situation. Instead, talk openly with the child about how you both feel, and how you miss them this year. This sends a clear signal to the child that talking about their feelings is encouraged, and that you are a safe person they can lean on.
5. Ask them how they would like to remember their special person during the holidays. Whether creating a holiday decoration using photos of their special person, writing a letter to put in the deceased person’s stocking, letting the child set a place at the dinner table where the empty chair will be, or baking their favorite cookie recipe, there are countless ways to weave memories into family gatherings. Let the child weigh in on what they would like to do, and you will have a great opportunity to teach them the power of remembering.
6. Consider age-appropriate volunteer opportunities in honor of the special person. If the person who died supported a cause, see if you can make that part of the holiday season. Donate money or goods to their favorite charity, volunteer at your local soup kitchen, hand out water during a 5k or find some other event where you and the child can learn more about the deceased person’s passions while continuing their legacy. This will benefit you, the child, and the people the organization serves. After all, this is the season for compassion!
7. Stick to routines while allowing for some flexibility. Grieving children benefit from a normal routine, but the holidays alone can disrupt schedules, especially with school breaks, travel, and holiday events. To whatever extent is possible, try to keep a steady routine, especially with meals and bedtime. But don’t be overly rigid. If the child starts talking about why they miss their person at 8:55, and bedtime is at 9:00, no need to cut them off. Balance their regular schedule with an awareness of what they need in the moment.

Most of these tips are useful for grieving children, not only during the holidays but throughout the year. Keep in mind that, other than loving them and allowing them to share their memories and needs, there are no hard and fast rules, just guidelines. To learn more about this subject, listen to Children & Grief: How To Help Kids Cope With Loss Early In Life with Jana DeCristofaro, LCSW on the Mindfulness & Grief Podcast.

(Heather Stang, M.A. is the author of Mindfulness & Grief. She holds a Masters degree in Thanatology (Death, Dying, and Bereavement) from Hood College in Maryland, and is a certified Yoga Therapist.

The post Seven Ways to Help Grieving Children During the Holidays appeared first on SWFL Family.