The best way to make a positive impact on the girl vs. girl trend sweeping the nation is to address and redirect mean girl behavior in our daughters. Like many mothers of daughters I polled, I started noticing mean girl behavior early in my daughter’s public school experience. Ironically, the behavior wasn’t coming from acquaintances, but from girls my daughter considered friends.

This brings up an uncomfortable reality: there is not much we can do about mean girl behavior in other people’s kids. We can report it to their parents or to school or organization authorities, but there is little more we can do to ameliorate mean girl situations once they are happening. So what’s a pro-active mom to do?

Take heart. There is much you can do to prevent mean girl behavior in your own daughter. One more girl setting an example of how to be kind and emotionally intelligent, despite peer pressure moving in the opposite direction, can help turn the tide. If mothers can encourage their daughters to stay open, vulnerable, and in touch with feelings no matter what, we might be able to dismantle the mean girl time bomb that ticks silently away inside every girl, just waiting to go off when that girl is pushed too far.

Only when girls understand that bullying is never acceptable can a better example spread. If your daughter can embody healthier choices, she can help create harmony within her middle school girl tribe. Here are six crucial ways moms can prepare daughters to navigate the social pressures of middle school.

Define Meanness.

Rudeness, meanness, and bullying exist on a behavior spectrum. Meanness is intentionally hurtful, as opposed to rudeness, which is unintentionally hurtful, as opposed to bullying which is consistently hurtful. One of the problems with mean girl behavior is that it can be subtle, insidious, and elusive. Teach your daughter the difference between the three types of behaviors and how to tell the difference between someone who is consistently, purposefully mean and someone who simply makes a mistake. Make sure your child understands that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that you expect her to be kind regardless of circumstances. Keep talking about what these three behaviors mean on an ongoing basis, until your daughter can tell the difference. Once she knows she always has a choice about how to respond in any situation, you are making good progress.

Encourage Self-Acceptance Over Popularity.

Left to their own devices, kids will always decide that being popular is better than not being popular. In middle school, popularity is perceived as power and kids are instinctively hungry for it. Make sure you don’t secretly hope your child will be one of the popular kids. If you put this trip on your child, you are encouraging her to put perceptions over feelings, which can lead to imposter syndrome. If you want your child to be authentic and emotionally intelligent, this means accepting and liking her as she is so she can accept and like herself. If you want your daughter to have genuine self-esteem, conversations on self-acceptance need to start young, long before middle school. Then let the popularity chips fall where they may. After all, popularity does not necessarily equal happiness.

Teach How to Detach From Drama.

No matter how secure and emotionally intelligent your child, hormones will be ebbing and flowing in middle school. Rather than letting this become an excuse for poor behavior, teach your daughter to step back from situations when erratic emotions are involved. Girl vendettas are common in middle school and can ignite for the slightest reasons. Your daughter may empathize with one or both girls and get inadvertently sucked into a feud if she does
 not know how to avoid one. Teach your
 daughter to listen to the facts and form her
 own opinion without getting involved in 
any drama. Encourage her to not take sides 
when one girl turns against another, but to
 be the voice of reason whenever possible.
 Affirm that girls need to stick together and
 prop each other up when they are having
 a bad day without getting overly involved 
in solving each other’s problems. Once 
your daughter understands that drama is a
 distraction from personal priorities, she can
more easily steer clear.

Model Healthy Communication.


Girls often start to lose their authentic
 voices when they become teenagers. So your job as your daughter’s confidante is to keep the doors of communication open and let her be honest and real with you as she is trying to figure everything out. If your formerly sunshiny girl suddenly turns partly cloudy, don’t fret. She may push you away and not want to talk as much as she used to, but don’t give in to the common misperception that teenagers need to be left alone. Your middle schooler can’t navigate this brave new social world solo. If you expect her to, she is going to feel stressed and look for friends who can help her take the edge off. You have to be there, mom, every day, listening and responsive, whenever either of you wants to talk.

Keep Your Negativity in Check.

When confronted with a challenging situation, your daughter will intuitively imitate the way you behave. If you project negativity onto others, she is going to learn to do the same. If you are insecure, she will be insecure. If you are superior and competitive with others, she will follow suit. If you judge and condemn… I am sure you get the picture. You can’t hold your daughter accountable for her attitudes and actions, if you are not accountable for yours. Be sure you set a good example, mom, or you just might see your least appealing qualities reflected back to you in your daughter’s behavior.

Reinforce and Challenge Your Daughter’s Strengths.

If you want your daughter to be a leader, not a follower, she needs to know and use her strengths. If you and the rest of your family don’t reflect her strengths back to her, it’s going to take your daughter longer to activate her personal power. If you only reflect back her weaknesses, she is going to believe she is a walking, talking pile of not good enough, which makes her an easy target for mean girls. Girls with high self-esteem don’t usually become targets and self-motivated girls don’t focus on the behavior of others. If they have a negative encounter with another girl, they shrug it off and bounce back quickly. So make sure your daughter is armed with something besides superiority and a sharp tongue. Be certain she knows what she is good at and encourage her to put her strengths to good use in your community for the benefit of all.

If your daughter is busy exercising her skills, challenging herself to reach new goals, and striving to make a positive impact in the world, she will gain the healthy self-esteem and confidence that result from positive personal experiences. Happy, engaged kids are less likely to bully others.

Once your daughter understands the dynamics of mean girl behavior, she can steer clear of drama when it crops up and will keep you in the loop as to how she handled it. These are the kinds of conversations every mom hopes to have with her daughter in middle school. If you are not having them, then maybe your daughter needs the mean girl primer only you can give her.

Take the time to educate yourself about how to avoid mean girl behavior before middle school starts, mom. Then share what you learn with your daughter. You will both be so glad you did.

The post How to Dismantle the Mean Girl Time Bomb Before Middle School appeared first on SWFL Family.

As adults, we are the sum of our experiences. For a group of high school girls from Collier and Lee Counties, a program called Wellfit Girls has catapulted them toward adulthood in the most powerful way: life-changing experiences that helped them realize their full potential.

Wellfit Girls is a five-month program for high school girls that teaches fitness, leadership, and empowerment, and culminates in a trip to Machu Picchu in Peru. Created by Jill Wheeler in 2014, Wellfit led 21 teens to the summit this summer.

“This is a program for any girl who wants to gain confidence or knows [she’s] capable of more but just hasn’t figured out how to get there,” said Colby Hazewinkel, executive director of Wellfit. “It’s not a therapy program. The girls who join this program are the girls that want to take that next step as a leader. Some girls who look at this program just see a fitness program or a cool trip, but the real impact comes from the girls who want the change and want to put in the work.”

And it is a lot of work. The girls meet twice a week for 20 weeks. Meetings focus on teaching leadership and working on fitness goals. Each girl is also responsible for raising $500 toward the Peru trip, and is guided through the process. Full and partial scholarships to fund the remainder of the cost make it possible for girls from any socio-economic background to participate.

The program culminates in a trip to Cusco, Peru, where the girls participate in a community service project with Peru’s Challenge. They then turn their attention to one of the Seven Wonders of the World: Machu Picchu, where they climb on foot to the top of the mountain. This international travel, according to Hazewinkel, allows these girls to fully “disconnect with the known and connect with the unknown.”

Growing stronger

Over five months, the girls worked to grow physically stronger through workouts with a personal trainer and yoga. They also grew stronger emotionally with weekly leadership sessions. Wellfit helps instill confidence in the girls by utilizing a method of incremental success; during the first few months of the program, the girls train for their Easter 5K fundraiser. This first hurdle shows the girls that when they set a goal and work toward it, they will achieve it. This is a huge step in getting the girls to believe they can get to the summit in Peru.

For Avorie Anderson, a
16-year-old student at Lely High School, the 5K was her best moment. “I had always really struggled to run, and to finish the race with a great time was a game changer for me. My mindset completely altered after that.” While fitness is certainly a major component, without the shift to a healthier mindset, the girls wouldn’t be able to climb the mountain. As Hazewinkel explained, “we’re going from zero to 15,200 feet. They have to have that training.”

Another vital component of the program is fundraising, as it teaches the girls to advocate for themselves through social entrepreneurship. But for Shelly Westervelt, a recent graduate of Seacrest Country Day School, it was the thing she struggled with most. Outside of fundraisers for clubs in school, she had never done anything like this. “This was different because I was fundraising alone. It was harder for me and I struggled with it, but Wellfit taught me fundraising skills. In one of my one-on-one meetings with my leader, she helped me realize that … my problem was that I was afraid to ask people for money. She explained to me that she wants me to be comfortable asking for money because she also wants me to be comfortable asking for pay raises or jobs in the future. There were so many implications that I never really considered. The experience made me more confident talking about and dealing with money and jobs in general.”

On to Peru

Once the girls finished putting in the work at home, they finally got to see their hard work pay off in Peru. But Peru is not just a fun trip; the girls helped with one of two community service projects, with one group painting a community service center and the other building a roof for a local family. The work was physically demanding but rewarding. “Peru really changed my view on how we live,” said Lilly Metsch, a 16-year-old Barron Collier High School student. “Seeing the Peruvians seem more like a family than a community is something I cherished on the trip. I never felt more welcomed by a group of people.”

Once they finished their community service projects, it was finally time to climb the mountain – the moment they have all been training for, and the moment all of the girls remember as the highlight of the entire experience. The trip wasn’t easy, even with all of their training, but with the support of their fellow Wellfit Girls and their leaders, they all made it to the summit. Zya Crawford, a 17-year-old Gulf Coast High Schooler, remembers that they each picked up a rock and said what they wanted to let go in their lives – like doubt, fear, or anger – and threw the rock as far as possible off the mountain. She describes it as “the best feeling ever.”

During the hike, the girls pushed through several difficult moments. When climbing up the mountain, Westervelt’s sister had to get oxygen and was throwing up due to bad asthma, but, according to Westervelt, that was the moment she most resembled a Wellfit Girl because she was pushing on even with the odds against her.

Avorie Anderson also had a meaningful moment that demonstrated what the program is all about. Hiking down Machu Picchu, “my knee gave out and I rolled my ankle. I had hit my hip and elbows really hard against the steps,” she said. But once again, the program saw her through as her fellow hikers carried her, literally this time, down to the bottom.

“The girls that were in Wellfit with me are surely what got me through the hardships,” Anderson said. “We made instant connections as if we had known each other for years and we supported one another through thick and thin.”

The importance of Wellfit

The girls who reached the summit this past June recognize how Wellfit changed their lives, and are eager to encourage other teens to take the same journey. “This program is important because as girls grow up, so many lose self-confidence,” said Zya Crawford. “Our world is so artificial and it’s all about image. This program is an oasis from the influences in society and tells girls that no matter who you are and where you come from, you can do anything in this life.”

Avorie Anderson agreed. “This program is extremely important because the lessons we are taught help with leadership and group skills, and they help us through common issues that young girls face, such as body image. It is extremely important for young women to feel comfortable in their own skin, especially with all of the negativity and body shaming on social media platforms.”

Westervelt cautioned, “If someone is on the fence about doing the program because … they don’t have enough time, then don’t join. But if [you] are looking for personal growth, new leadership skills, fitness skills, and great quality bonds, then it is the perfect program and one [you] should definitely join.”

According to Lilly Metsch: “This is an experience of a lifetime. The memories you will make with the girls and everyone you meet will impact who you become. This trip will change you for the better.”

Climbing high

Hazewinkel was not surprised that so many girls chose the final challenge of the 10-day expedition to Peru as the highlight of their trip. She explained that the mountain is a metaphor showing that these girls can climb high in all areas of life. They put the girls in a very challenging environment that makes them uncomfortable, and they learn that when they’re uncomfortable, transformation is occurring. They learn they can really accomplish anything, no matter what the future has in store.

All of the girls are excited for what comes next for them. Shelly Westervelt is heading off to University of Florida and can’t wait for the chance to get messy in her life instead of always worrying about perfection. Zya Crawford wants to channel the work ethic and dedication she has learned into studying journalism and photography at the University of Miami. Lilly Metsch is excited to use her new skills to show girls that they can be strong, independent, and do things they never thought they could do. Avorie Anderson looks forward to continuing her Wellfit mentality as she progresses through the new alumni program, Beyond the Summit. The girls will keep in touch with the mentors through their ups and downs, and they also get to serve as mentors themselves to the next group of Wellfit Girls.

For teen girls who want to get involved, visit the Wellfit open house on August 22 at 5:30 p.m. at the Community Foundation of Collier County, 1150 Pine Ridge Rd. More information is available at wellfitgirls.org, or you can email colby@wellfitgirls.org.

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