by Jamie Lober

It seems harmless to a tween or teenager, sending a sexually explicit text message to a boyfriend, or a suggestive photo to a girlfriend. What’s the worst that can happen? But the consequences of “sexting” reach far beyond simple embarrassment, and a child could pay the costs for decades.

According to Sex and Tech, a survey by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com, one in five teens reported having sent a sexually suggestive image or message. In many cases, even youth are engaging in what is often referred to as sexting. “Sexting, in layman’s terms, is texting dirty messages back and forth in a sexually explicit conversation,” defines Lee Vangelder, corporal crime prevention specialist at the Collier County Sheriff’s Office.

Sexually explicit messages often reach beyond boyfriends and girlfriends to strangers. “It is very scary because you are anonymous and not face-to-face with the person. Your child may be bolder in what they say and do because there is no real contact,” explains Vangelder. Pictures may be exchanged as well. “Sometimes kids do not want to tell anybody because they know they are not supposed to look. They are kind of scared and kind of excited so we have to be careful not to shame them but to show them that we just want to help them with understanding their world,” says marriage and family therapist Sara Henry.

Do not be deceived by thinking that the phone is just meant to make and receive calls. “A lot of phones can do everything a computer can do which means the whole worldwide web is at their disposal,” reminds Henry. You cannot always stop your child from seeking satisfaction from strangers but you can try to control the relationship you share. “You should have good communication so he can feel safe and have joyful communication with you and feel in touch,” says Henry.

Open Discussion. As a parent, you should have an open conversation about sexting. “Adolescence is a time to learn how to be a responsible adult and that is a learning process. Parents need to be active in helping their child make good decisions,” says psychologist Dr. Keith Foster. Everyone may approach sexting differently. “Talking about sexting depends on the age and maturity of the child. You may do it by sharing this magazine article and allowing discussion to come from it,” suggests Foster.

Get all of the information out there. “You should make sure your kids understand the consequences of what can happen, not only the legal ramifications but the moral ramifications,” says Vangelder. Appropriateness is often in the eye of the beholder. “One person may not be particularly distressed at their child using certain types of language whereas other families might be very concerned so it depends on the rules of the household,” says Foster. Other times, the possible negative effects of sexting are not up for debate. “Parents should tell kids that sexting can forever ingrain a picture on the worldwide web. It can ruin the reputation of someone. It can cause harm to someone. It can even be against the law,” says Beth Jones, president of the Alliance for Women and Children.

It can be easy for kids to get wrapped up in their phones. “The problem developmentally is the fact that you have the instant gratification of texting and being able to instantly get what you want,” says Dr. Lynne Clausen, a clinical psychologist. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and set limits, even if it means using the cell as reinforcement for good behavior and removing it as a consequence. “You should limit the amount of time your kid can spend and when they are allowed to use the technology so it is not freeway and open-ended,” feels Clausen.

Try to keep your child active. “Parents need to encourage their kids to socialize face to face and not just via some technological device. They should talk and interact with people because it develops social skills,” says Jones. You may never truly be able to control whether or not your child is involved in sexting but you can educate yourself on this phenomenon. “I do not think we can generalize the motive for why each individual does it but in general we can probably say it is peer acceptance,” feels Jones.

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children offer their own tips to prevent sexting. In addition to thinking about the consequences, they ask that kids never take pictures of themselves that they would not want everyone, including parents and potential employers, to see. Kids should know that if they forward a sexually explicit photo of an underage individual, they can face child pornography charges, go to jail, or even have to register as a sex offender. Last but not least, kids should know to report any uncomfortable behaviors to a trustworthy adult.

Let your child know that he can come to you if he receives a sexually explicit message. “Let your child know that sometimes people use cell phones to communicate in mean ways, and if that happens, you want to be told so you can help. You have to remind your kid that you are there for him,” says Henry. Your child may even feel subtly awkward. “The way pedophiles operate to gain a child’s trust is not to come off scary right away but there will usually be an uncomfortable feeling,” says Henry.

Do not be afraid to approach the topic of sexting if you suspect your child may be a participant. “If you find your child being secretive with the phone or unwilling to have at least some of their conversations in front of you when you are driving in the car, talk about it,” says Foster. Other red flags include changes from traditional behavior or change in grades.

Certainly some kids may be unaffected by sexting. “It could have an impact, depending on how strong the child’s sense of self is, how strong the healthy family environment is and there are so many variables on how the environment responds to it,” says Foster. The best way to help your child withstand the peer pressure is by providing support for your child. “The less confident youngster may be more at risk of engaging if they felt the pressure to do so or were trying to find acceptance,” says Foster.

Remember that you are the expert in the world. “There are a lot of things we assume kids know and they seem so smart now. They know more about how to work the cell phone than we do but they do not know more about social relationships than an adult does and we have to remember that,” emphasizes Henry. It is important to make your child aware that there are boundaries and guidelines that he should follow when it comes to etiquette and safety. “It can happen to anybody,” expresses Vangelder.

Jamie Lober, author of Pink Power (www.getpinkpower.com), is dedicated to providing information on women’s and pediatric health topics.  She can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .